I’m not a democrat.
I’m not a republican.
I’m not a religion.
I’m not an atheist.
I’m not my job.
I’m not my college.
I’m not my hometown.
I’m not my current town.
I’m not my hobbies.
I’m not my passion.
I’m not my skin color.
I’m not my ethnicity.
I’m not my name.
I am.
Who are you?
There is a fundamental truth that I believe and celebrate every day I’m lucky enough to interact with women. In her heart, every woman wants the best for me. She wants every man to be whom he is meant to be, so he can show up and give his greatest gift to the world. It is our calling to live with purpose, and women will always be our greatest asset.
In a world where fathers aren’t always able to teach sons and society imprints mixed messages to men throughout their whole lives, one thing will always remain true.
The man women yearn for, is the man you were meant to be.
I believe this with every bone in my body. If we understood how to tap into the wisdom of women, and learned to see ourselves through their eyes, it would be the single greatest factor in helping men transform into who the world needs them to be. Men spend their whole lives in the social laboratory of life making hypotheses, doing experiments and drawing conclusions, only to try and get closer to an authentic self. How do we calibrate ourselves? More than money, success, fame, job title, net worth or other men, we calibrate ourselves through women. The fastest way to transformation is by getting the answer key to a woman’s brain. Learn how to be the man that she needs and you will never be lonely. Learn how to be the man that all women want and you will happily step into the role your whole life was meant for.
In case you haven’t heard, there’s been a lot of talk lately about the 99%, here is a website.
I don’t think we deserve anything. I earned what I have. I don’t buy the idea that our need should count for anything. What I see in this movement is a lot of people, both the 99% and the corporations, not taking 100% responsibility for themselves. It doesn’t matter if you are a single mother of three or a multi-billion dollar company, taking responsibility starts with YOU, not with others. I am all for holding corporations responsible for mis-using the tax money that the government handed them but the truth is, the government that WE elected decided to give them that bail out money, and that was the root of the problem. ”Too big to fail” is a lie.
I could write a hundred pages on this, but Ayn Rand has already written a masterpiece covering this very topic. If you haven’t read Atlas Shrugged, it’s one of my all time favorites.
I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
Earn it.
I’ve spent a lot of time lately with people I’ve known for a long time, some family, some friends. It got me thinking about what it really means to know someone. In general, if someone asks “do you know John?” you base your answer on how much time you’ve spent with that person. You might say “yes, I know John really well, we were roommates” or “certainly, John is my brother”. I recently got an email from someone who knows me, and also enjoys my music, but we’ve only spent a handful of time talking and in the same room. In her email she wrote the phrase “even though I hardly know you”, and it really made me think. I’ve spent years and years with people who are extremely close to me, but I don’t feel that they know me half as well as this girl does. Really knowing someone is often something that’s taken for granted in today’s society. Much like what it takes to truly love someone, knowing them is about accepting them for who they are, which is not easy. It gets even harder the more you have invested in that person. For many parents, really knowing their children is one of the hardest tasks in the world, because it means completely and totally accepting that person for who they are, not who you want them to be, and not who you’d like them to be as it relates to a reflection of you.
As a musician and a songwriter, nothing is better than when you feel that someone truly knows you through your music. It’s the reason artists create, and it’s the rarest of people that can understand you and make you feel understood. More than power, more than wealth, more than life long love, I feel our greatest desire as human beings is to be known, to be understood. That level of understanding doesn’t come through years together and it’s the root of our problems in relationships. We don’t always seek to understand each other and our efforts are directed toward changing others instead of a deep level of acceptance. I’m certainly guilty of this on many, many accounts, and I also know how it feels to be misunderstood. The more we have invested in someone, the harder it is to accept them, and the less you really know that person. It’s a sad thought to think that the person you had a 30 minute conversation with at Starbucks might know you better than your parents or even your wife, but for most people, it’s true, and we feel it.
Think about the people who you think you know in your life. Especially if you have a lot invested in them, have you really taken the time to get to know them? Have you gone above and beyond to understand and accept them on a deep level? I can think of a handful of people in my life who truly understand me, and it’s not always the people I spend the most time with. Their existence makes such a difference in my life and I’m eternally grateful for their gifts to me.
You have the power to give that gift, and you can give that to anyone you wish, even in just a few hours at Starbucks.
I want to feel special.
It’s amazing how much money, effort and time we spend on trying to seek things outside of ourselves to feel special. Many marketing campaigns hinge on the idea that people need more than themselves to be happy. I had a great discussion the other day with a very enlightened woman and she was speaking about her current dating situation and how she felt frustrated because her lover didn’t want to become monogamous. One thing she said really struck me, she said she desired this man to be monogamous because it would make her feel like the one, it would make her special in his eyes. I think every woman in the world can relate to this. Whether it’s a wedding ring or a commitment to see each other exclusively, many women gain a sense of validation from a man choosing and committing to them.
The truth is that this sense of validation is a delusion, unless it comes from within.
No one can crown you.
No one can give you the lasting feeling that you are worthy and special. There is no ring, no crown, no blue box, that will do anything more than give your ego a fleeting moment of satisfaction. True validation and worthiness can only be gained by giving it to yourself.
Grasping spirituality is like herding cats.
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For about 6 months I’ve been wrestling with the idea of what it means to live in the moment. We hear about this all the time, I’ve heard countless people recite it in speeches, songs (myself included) and general words of wisdom. What does it mean? How do I know if I’m actually living in the moment? Sometimes we think we are present and in the moment when in reality we’re so caught up in the future that we’re just lying to ourselves and calling it enlightenment. You could literally drive yourself insane asking yourself this question, because there is no definitive answer.
Last Wednesday I was driving out of Mission Beach with plans that evening and a few things I had to get done before then. As I turned away from the beach to head toward the highway I noticed an orange tint out of my rear view mirror. I stopped, pulled over and began walking to the beach. I sat quietly and watched a beautiful California sunset. As I watched the sunset my brain tried to ruin the moment by asking, “what are we accomplishing here? maybe we should be finishing our tasks for the day instead of killing time on the beach.” I realized then what living in the moment is really about. It’s about sunsets. It’s about stopping to appreciate the things in life that have no apparent value. We always hear “take time to stop and smell the flowers” but do we actually value that in today’s society? If someone wants to take a 15 minute break from work to enjoy a beautiful day we say no but if they want to take a smoke break we understand. Personally, I don’t LOVE flowers, but I do love sunsets. Maybe instead of saying “stop and smell the flowers” I could say “stop and watch the sunset” (reason #1145 I love California). The point is everyone sees beauty through their own eyes, and too often we don’t stop to take it in. Living in the moment can mean anything from stopping to watch a sunset for 10 minutes to taking off to Europe for a year, it’s a constant quest to drink in life and revel in it’s depth. Enjoying something beautiful because someone else says you should is missing the point. Beauty is everywhere, but it’s a reflection of you, that is why it’s beautiful.
Some of you are thinking, “I’d love to watch the sunset, but I work until 7 and when I get off the sun has already set”. It’s a challenge living a life that accepts the responsibility of living in the moment. Is it easy making your life that flexible? Absolutely not. Is it worth a little less income and possibly a little less security to be able to seize the day, and live life on your own terms? I think so. Can you find moments in your life that you can embrace given your current job and lifestyle? I think so.
In thinking about what it means to live in the moment I find it’s sometimes easier to spot when we’re not. The next time you see yourself passing up the opportunity to witness something beautiful, ask yourself why. If you are too constricted by your lifestyle, maybe it’s worth considering a change.
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Until then… here are a few of my favorites.
SPOILER ALERT! This post will ruin the movie if you haven’t seen it.
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Hollywood always seems do this. They tell an amazing story, filled with plot twists and amazing acting, but in the end leave society with the wrong message, all for the sake of a few bucks. Hollywood isn’t the only one guilty of this, we see it all the time. Popular music (especially country) does it and marketing agencies for big companies exploit customers by re-enforcing our bad habits every day.
It can all be summed up in one word…
When country artists sing about alcohol, they glamorize drinking and perpetuate the alcohol problem we have in the United States. All for a few bucks.
When Taco Bell advertises “4th meal”, they perpetuate our habit of eating late and contribute to the overall decline in the health of Americans. All for a few bucks.
When the TV industry continually puts out family sitcoms with weak, pea-brained husbands (Modern Family, Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Guy, King of Queens, etc…), it’s perpetuating the idea that men are weak and completely inept to the point of humor. All for a few bucks.
This is where Black Swan fails.
Let me first digress about some positives. This movie was extremely well done. I thought the acting was very moving and the story was delivered as well as it could have been. The relationship between the main character and her Mother was absolutely fascinating and one that I know many people can unfortunately relate to.
The end is what killed me.
Whether you realized it or not, the message sent to the public was “a perfect artist is one who’s inner turmoil is the greatest”. The movie ends with Natalie Portman (Nina) killing herself and declaring to the director and dance company that in that moment she was “perfect”, and that belief is not questioned. Mila Kunis’ character Lily is truly the only well-adjusted character in the whole movie. She’s positive, non-self destructive and an extremely talented dancer, yet we view her through the eyes of Nina, who sees her as vindictive, amoral and dishonest. Although when we think about it we realize that all the negative character traits of Lily are in Nina’s head, we can’t help but feel that she is not the kind of person we’d want to associate with, when it reality, she was the only person that reached out to Nina and at least tried to give her what she needed. This is not an accident!!! The writers and director of this movie knew exactly what they were doing and we feel exactly how they intended for us to feel! It’s no different from the marketing meeting at Taco Bell when they ask “how can we suck more money out of all the fat-ass Americans that buy our product? Let’s convince them that the stupid shit they already do is OK!”
It’s wrong. Teaching our society that as artist you need to struggle, do drugs, have issues, or whatever other fucked up condition Hollywood and the music industry will present HURTS America and we hardly seem to care. NO ONE talks about how Black Swan contributes to the thousands of artists that will hurt themselves, become addicted to drugs, or commit suicide, but what happens when Janet Jackson shows her breast at the Superbowl Halftime show?
Please talk about this movie and spread a positive message. Don’t let people think that the way to become a great artist is to torture yourself.
Yesterday I was helping a friend move into her new apartment and I got a parking ticket. It was in mission beach and I parked on one of the side streets to unload my car. In between one of our runs I got a ticket for parking in a red zone… for $77. My first reaction was “that’s so unfair! I don’t deserve this!” but is that true? What is fair? What do I deserve?
In all honesty, “fairness” hasn’t done much for me so far. So many of us today get stuck on “it’s not fair”. Think about the people you know who say that a lot, what kind of results are they getting? Chances are they whine a lot, don’t achieve much, and generally are not the kind of people you’d like to emulate. When something happens to you, there are two ways you can react. One is by saying “life’s not fair” and becoming a victim of circumstances. We’ve all heard this before right? The victim mindset! Completely useless and used to feel bad for yourself, which is another useless endeavor. The other way to react is by accepting what happened, then taking the best action to solve the problem or deal with the consequences. The amazing thing is that once you’ve accepted what happened, your ability to solve the problem goes way up! You’re no longer caught on the “this isn’t fair” train and all of a sudden, a practical solution becomes a lot more clear.
As I pondered this parking ticket more the other thought I had, was “I don’t deserve this”. It’s related to the “it’s not fair” feeling, but something worth considering as well. What do we deserve? My mindset, and the mindset that has given me the most satisfaction and success is the thought that we don’t deserve anything (I know what you’re thinking, and I’ll do my best to explain why this is not a negative way of thinking). There is a big difference between confidence and a sense of entitlement. When you feel like you deserve something, you are bringing with you a sense of entitlement. That sense of entitlement is always attached to your ego. As we do the necessary work to squash our ego, we find that the sense we “deserve” something goes out the window and can be replaced with genuine confidence. Confidence is knowing that you are good enough, regardless of the outcome. When the ego gets involved, the outcome often dictates how we feel because there is a lack of that deep inner confidence that will never change.
Let’s talk about the service industry.
I have several friends that work in the service industry, either as bartenders or servers. I hear them complain all the time about people who don’t tip. A lot of what I hear is “I deserve to get tipped more”. Based on what? I feel we “deserve” to get tipped exactly what the customer feels like tipping us. Does that mean I don’t believe in tipping? Absolutely not. I believe that as a recipient of tips, having the mindset that you “deserve” 20%, or whatever you believe, is driven by your ego, and in the end will not make you happy, and you’ll end up actually getting tipped less. How often do we see people in positions where they get tipped on their service to us and they act like they deserve our gratitude in the form of money (a.k.a. gratuity). That doesn’t make me want to tip them at all, and I’m sure many of you feel the same way. So I know what you might be thinking now… you’re thinking “but Dave, even though I feel I should get a 20% tip, I don’t act that way.” I disagree. Whether we like it or not, our thoughts become actions. If this is the first time you’ve heard this phrase, it won’t be the last.
Thoughts become actions.
If you think you deserve a tip, you will act like you are entitled. It may not be obvious 100% of the time, but it will come out, and when it does, it will frustrate both you and the customer. On the other hand, if you truly believe in the idea of gratuity being gratitude and it representing the customer going above and beyond what is expected to show you their appreciation for your service, not only will you feel better about yourself but the customer will feel that in your actions, and will mostly likely respond more positively.
Thoughts become actions.
If you want to change the way you act, change the way you think.
You're better than this.
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. After years and years of research and observation I’m able to share with you the secret to living a happy life, and I know you’re excited as I am. That’s the good news! The bad news is it isn’t easy and it involves doing a lot of the things you were taught in school but probably don’t enjoy all that much.
Ready?
The key to finding happiness is… knowledge.
FACT: Every problem in your life and every hurdle you will encounter has been already been worked through and solved by someone else smarter than you. Chances are that someone wrote the solution in a book that you can pick up for a couple bucks. There is some GREAT advice out there, you just have to be willing to seek it out and read a book or three. It’s a shame that our education system instills in us a total disdain for books because for many of us our first experience with reading was with books we don’t care about that were being forced down our throats. I know for me it took two solid years of cool-down after college before I really started reading again. Tim Sanders, author of the best-selling book Love Is the Killer App said this about reading books:
Do you try and even mixture- magazines, books, television, and radio? I say there is no option. I’ve looked at all the possibilities and books are the answer. Books should be your diet’s staple because they are the complete thought-meal, containing hypotheses, data, research, and conclusions, combined in a thorough attempt to transfer knowledge. If they’re good, they contain that essential value prop, that meta-idea, or that statement of fact that gives the reader a unique perspective.
I couldn’t agree more. So what now? Here are a few of my favorite books, broken down into some categories that might help you decide which one suits you best.
For the “I don’t really like to read” guy (or girl):
I recommend this book to a lot of “first time” readers, because it really helped me get into reading. It’s tiny and can be read in one waiting room session at the dentist. I’ve found that once my friends read this book and learn the simple yet profound message that’s contained in it, the idea “hey, I could really learn something from books” pops in their head, and things seem to take off from there.
For the “I really like fiction, tell me a story!” person:
This is a classic, I almost feel silly recommending it because so many people have read it, but there’s a good reason for that. It’s a very inspirational story about realizing and following your dreams. It’s full of lessons and Paolo Coelho weaves everything into a beautiful story that everyone will love.
Here are a few more of my favorites, also check out my friend Derek Sivers’ book list, he’s got some great books on it and he does a great job breaking down the value of each book.
17 Lies That Are Holding You Back & The Truth That Will Set You Free by Steve Chandler
A very straight forward book that applies to anyone looking to improve their life. Out of all the self-help books I’ve read this one cuts straight to the chase and I found it very useful.
I found this book surprisingly useful to creative types. It’s practically a must read if you want to find more fulfillment with your job but it’s got some great advice too for those who struggle with creativity.
The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss
This book changes lives. If you like being the kind of person who thinks outside the lines and doesn’t go with the status quo, this is your book. Don’t read it if #1 You want to stay in your current crappy job and #2 If you enjoy “always fitting in”.
For me personally, I can’t begin to describe the difference books have made in my life. To maximize the amount of reading I do, I’ve been reading a lot of audiobooks lately, and even though I don’t spend a ton of time in my car, I typically go through one audiobook every 2 weeks, between working out and driving. Audible.com gives you one free audiobook when you sign up, it’s worth checking out!
Well it’s that time of year again. New Year’s Resolutions! I’ll be the first to admit, I love setting goals and New Year’s for goal setters is like Christmas for little kids. Time to flex those goal setting muscles, right? Time to encourage all your friends to set lofty goals and “really mean them” this time, right?
Well… I’m done.
I have nothing against resolutions, I’ve been making them for years now but this year I’m quitting them. I could give you a thousand reasons why they do or don’t work and we could spend all day getting into the psychology of goal setting but I’m not going to do that either. Here is the one sentence reason I’m not doing them.
I did them, they didn’t work for me, so I’m stopping.
Simple as that. Maybe they work for you, maybe they don’t, but years of trial and error have shown that my brain cares as much about New Year’s Resolutions as it does about the WNBA.
This got me thinking… why did it take me so long to come to this conclusion? All you have to do is scroll back through my previous blog posts and you’ll see “December 2009 – Dave is psyched about his 2010 resolutions!!!”. Same thing in 2008, and 2007. I guess we all have this habit of doing things just for the sake of doing them. We make New Year’s Resolutions so we can make New Year’s Resolutions. We work so we can say we “worked”. Why? If I was a football coach and I called a play for the running back to get the ball and run off the right-tackle, and the back didn’t gain any yards, then I called the play again, and again, and AGAIN, still with the same result, I’d get fired and you would think I was insane (or coached for the Chargers). This post isn’t about not making New Year’s Resolutions, it’s about stopping habits that don’t do anything for us.
I guess you could say that my New Year’s Resolution is to stop making New Year’s Resolutions. Hey you know what? That might be the first resolution I actually keep.
