I want to feel special.
It’s amazing how much money, effort and time we spend on trying to seek things outside of ourselves to feel special. Many marketing campaigns hinge on the idea that people need more than themselves to be happy. I had a great discussion the other day with a very enlightened woman and she was speaking about her current dating situation and how she felt frustrated because her lover didn’t want to become monogamous. One thing she said really struck me, she said she desired this man to be monogamous because it would make her feel like the one, it would make her special in his eyes. I think every woman in the world can relate to this. Whether it’s a wedding ring or a commitment to see each other exclusively, many women gain a sense of validation from a man choosing and committing to them.
The truth is that this sense of validation is a delusion, unless it comes from within.
No one can crown you.
No one can give you the lasting feeling that you are worthy and special. There is no ring, no crown, no blue box, that will do anything more than give your ego a fleeting moment of satisfaction. True validation and worthiness can only be gained by giving it to yourself.
i wish every woman (and man, i guess too) would read this, internalize this, and believe this. it couldn’t be more true.
As the “very enlightened” woman in question (down ego!)…I love your message, and appreciated hearing it when we spoke. I love “no one can crown you” We are all always already crowned, chosen, loved – beyond our wildest imaginings. How could Love be crowned? My point about not being “the one” speaks more towards a personality pattern where I – not anyone else – is not claiming the fulless of who I am. Thus the relationships that I have attracted reflect this belief, which is limiting, like any belief. So I am paying attention to what I attract to learn what I am asking for, and to know from where I am living. Then I can consciously choose to more fully express the infinity of being-ness as it lives through and as me. And of course, this goes beyond monogamy or any other relationship configuration choice, about which I agree heartfully with Heather. F**k form, embrace what brings the most aliveness – which of course changes as often as the tides – and requires such beautifully refined listening. And at the same time I am taking to heart the reflection that I may be putting too much attention on other’s choices about me and being in relationship with me and what that may or may not mean about my own deep value. Definite ouches and openings here lately. Meeting you Dave and getting the chance to move in intimate dialogue is shifting my relationship with myself, with others, with life – especially surrounding lovers and what it means to merge. I’m questioning what serves and what no longer serves and I watch what most wants to happen constantly, sweetly, insistently, and awe-fully emerge breath by breath. In gratitude to your thoughtfulness and bold seeing and acting. Looking forward to hearing your voice more. Risking it all for aliveness over here. Fun to find others who feel the same way.
You’re right Dave. When you think about it, monogamy and romantic commitment are more likely to diminish individual ego than to bolster it. And over time, people whose identities are deeply entwined with those of their partners may find themselves lacking the individual strength to contend with certain challenges that arise down the road. The sweetness of life gained in love relationships feeds the heart, not the ego. And the blossoming of a true love bond should bring about monogamy and commitment automatically. Don’t get me wrong. I think love is the best and most important thing that life has to offer. That includes love of self, which by definition, can’t be gotten from others. Finally, it’s been my experience that commitment and exclusivity from a lover for their own sake, or for the sake of ego, if obtained, are quickly learned actually to be burdens (or worse). My point? Be careful what you wish for, and why.