Do you really know me?

I’ve spent a lot of time lately with people I’ve known for a long time, some family, some friends. It got me thinking about what it really means to know someone. In general, if someone asks “do you know John?” you base your answer on how much time you’ve spent with that person. You might say “yes, I know John really well, we were roommates” or “certainly, John is my brother”. I recently got an email from someone who knows me, and also enjoys my music, but we’ve only spent a handful of time talking and in the same room. In her email she wrote the phrase “even though I hardly know you”, and it really made me think. I’ve spent years and years with people who are extremely close to me, but I don’t feel that they know me half as well as this girl does. Really knowing someone is often something that’s taken for granted in today’s society. Much like what it takes to truly love someone, knowing them is about accepting them for who they are, which is not easy. It gets even harder the more you have invested in that person. For many parents, really knowing their children is one of the hardest tasks in the world, because it means completely and totally accepting that person for who they are, not who you want them to be, and not who you’d like them to be as it relates to a reflection of you.

As a musician and a songwriter, nothing is better than when you feel that someone truly knows you through your music. It’s the reason artists create, and it’s the rarest of people that can understand you and make you feel understood. More than power, more than wealth, more than life long love, I feel our greatest desire as human beings is to be known, to be understood. That level of understanding doesn’t come through years together and it’s the root of our problems in relationships. We don’t always seek to understand each other and our efforts are directed toward changing others instead of a deep level of acceptance. I’m certainly guilty of this on many, many accounts, and I also know how it feels to be misunderstood. The more we have invested in someone, the harder it is to accept them, and the less you really know that person. It’s a sad thought to think that the person you had a 30 minute conversation with at Starbucks might know you better than your parents or even your wife, but for most people, it’s true, and we feel it.

Think about the people who you think you know in your life. Especially if you have a lot invested in them, have you really taken the time to get to know them? Have you gone above and beyond to understand and accept them on a deep level? I can think of a handful of people in my life who truly understand me, and it’s not always the people I spend the most time with. Their existence makes such a difference in my life and I’m eternally grateful for their gifts to me.

You have the power to give that gift, and you can give that to anyone you wish, even in just a few hours at Starbucks.

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